One woman’s journey to self love

Throughout my life’s experiences I have wandered around wondering what the basis is for love on all levels. As I grew up I received mixed messages to love. Wondering, is love words, actions, a feeling or an intense desire towards another? All of these questions swam around in my mind for decades as I constantly searched for this feeling we all read about and watch in movies.  Love sounded like some miraculous all-encompassing feeling that deep down I began to feel that I had never truly experienced on a soul level.  I thought if I searched hard and long enough, gave more of myself, bent over backwards for others, chased it enough that it would reciprocate back towards me. Thus began my journey inwards.

I’m not sure of the exact time in my life that I finally started to realize that through all of my agony, loneliness and unrequited relationships that love had to start with loving myself first.There are so many of us that are walking around trying to recreate and gain the love and acceptance we were withheld from as children. So we look for sustenance in all places while trying to heal that emptiness inside ourselves; meanwhile not recognizing that it’s an endless cup that never truly feels filled up. I once had a beautiful spiritual advisor tell me, ‘the reason why you keep bringing in unloving situations is so your spirit can learn self love!’

We have all heard the term self-love through books, magazines and workshops, but what I wanted to understand is the difference between reading and hearing the words and actually integrating love to every cell of my being. Once I began to awaken to my soul’s true spiritual craving  I was able to slowly integrate and understand on a deeper level what love actually felt like. The challenge for me was learning to re invent the word being that I never truly felt loved.  It was foreign to me but I was convinced that in order to find true happiness in every area of my life that I had to grasp this!

What began to happen was with in every unloving situation I would begin to go inwards and build a sense of empowerment that I would see emerge from the deepest place I could ever fathom. Here I began to learn the art of becoming selfing, as my medical intuitive teacher had coined. I started listening to my guidance and my body before and during situations that didn’t foster love. I started learning the art of saying the word no, of walking away from jobs, situations and relationships that no longer nourished and empowered me. I would recognize how truly amazing it would feel to practice self-care and slowly but surely I learned that being in aloneness with myself was actually building the most important relationship I could ever imagine in my wildest dreams!

I’m currently in a place of rebuilding that lost precious connection with me. Spirit has gifted me with no distractions this time. I have been on a solitary journey of hibernation for almost a year now. A journey of no relationship or significant friendships as well as family. The 2 places I go to to fill up now are divine source and self.  At times I will crave the old feeling of artificial love but realize that until I can feel content with myself and by myself that I won’t be able to give or appreciate the love from others.

It’s been the most monumental journey of connection to divine love through God and through loving myself. I can now say that more than half of the time I’ve begun to enjoy my company and actually prefer it. It’s as though I’m getting to know myself on every level of  body, mind and spirit for the very first time in my life. Through ‘me’ time I practice doing loving acts of kindness for myself daily if not weekly. Whether that’s watching a show I enjoy, meditation, making jewelry, swimming in the beautiful Hawaii ocean or rest. I find that by giving to myself is acknowledging my worthiness to the beauty of self-love.

May you all enjoy your own journey to love and know that we are all worthy of true authentic love. May you find that re connection to your self and love yourselves fearlessly! Begin to watch your new self re-emerge and sigh with relief and gratitude from this recognition.  We are all worthy of love remembering that it first starts with us!

 

Blessings and aloha~